The Bad Beginning Uncut
by crazyman12
Summary: The Bad Beginning, the story you've never heard.Chapter 3 is up!Rated PG13 for crude humor and bad language
1. The Fire

The Bad Beginning Uncut

Disclaimer- I do not own this

I worked hard on this so please do review, if i get enough reviews i will write chapter 2 quicker and better, also if something is wrong tell me so i can fix it

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If you wish to read a story that makes you cry or laugh (depending on weather or not you think a cracked up baby, an evil inventor, and a psycho bookworm is funny or sad) then keep reading because that is the only thing you will find in this story. I'm happy.. I mean sad to say that it starts in the very next paragraph.

Violet was the first Baudaliare to be born and from the second she was born was evil. Only when she was two did she figure out that she could manipulate her evil to build things… and then kill people with her inventions.

Violet picked up the rock that she found on the beach(they were at the beach without their parents) and tried to skip it in the water. She watched it fall in the water with a "plop" not skipping the water once.

"Son of a bitch", she murmured under her breath. Violet was the oldest of her two other siblings so she was allowed to curse.

The middle siblings name was Klaus. Klaus had many difficulties (such as being a loser and a lowlife geek) so by the time he was two he was completely psycho as well as addicted to books (on account of him being a nerd).

Klaus looked at the crab in the water and picked it up. Because he was psycho he pulled its claws off. It obviously died a painful and horrible death because otherwise Klaus wouldn't have laughed as he did now.

"Hahahahahahahahah", he laughed. At this his baby sister looked up.

"Poope", Sunny said which probably meant "Where's the crack I NEED CRACK". Sunny, sadly, was addicted to crack. Sunny was addicted to crack because there was something wrong with her other two siblings so it would only be fair if there was something wrong with her too.

Just then a figure appeared in the fog but the children couldn't tell who it was because they couldn't see them stupid.

Violet picked up a rock and threw it at the figure.

"You bastard!!", the someone screamed. The person emerged out of the fog and they could see it was Mr. Poe. "What the fuck, I mean why did you do that?'

"Sorry I thought you were the boogieman," Violet said. She looked at Mr. Poe waiting for what he was going to tell them (even though she already knew what it was).

"Your parents died in a terrible fire that seemed to be caused by some sort of bomb, very unfortunate," Mr. Poe said.

"Yes," Violet whispered evilly, "the invention was a success with the added bonus of mom and dad being blown to tiny pieces, too."

"What was that you said Violet," Mr. Poe said in between twenty-three coughs.

"Nothing," Violet replied.

"Ok, because your parents are dead and because I am in charge of what happens to you, you with spend the next few days with me and myself and my wife and my two animals, I mean children."

"Whatever," Klaus said manically.

Please Review


	2. The Burial

**A Series Of Unfortunate Events**

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Thank all.. Well most of you for your great reviews!

Abbitha-shut up

Ronweaslykiller-yes if only we had more time (sigh)

Cheesy little hobbitses-thanks...I guess

Nenagh24-thanks a lot, a fan of Ronweaslykiller I see, very good

Animeomega- funny, and yes they are

EmmyRaye16-okkkkk....

Lady Emily-thanks

Ih8gibbson1234-I won't, and I want to read yours (story)

Whew, now that that's off my shoulders we can get started, well almost. Before I do start I just want to recommend to you a absolutely hysterical parody about Harry Potter done by a friend of mine who's penname is Ronweaslykiller, remember that. Now I can get started on chapter two.

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The Bad Beginning **Uncut**©

**2**

It was Violet who suggested that Mr. Poe take the three Baudelaire orphans to see the damage that was done to the house. Mr. Poe thought it a bad idea but Klaus, using his superpower brain convinced Mr. Poe to go to the remains of the mansion.

When they arrived they could see that it was being invested by a police officer.

"What the fuck are you doing at our burned down house," Violet said. As she was saying this she put her RIGHT hand in her pocket.

"Excuse me, but I could arrest you for using those very bad words," said the cop, puffing out his chest. This I am sorry to say, was one of those people in the world who think they are better then everyone else like Senator Kerry, or President Bush. "It says so in the Big Book of Law™."

Klaus being the bookworm in the family said something sorta like this: "There's no such philological tension of testimonial inference such as an astronomical, physical and interminable pliancy like that."

Now you and I know that that sentence makes no sense whatsoever, however, the policeman didn't know that all that came out of his mouth was drool, and all that came out of his nose was green slime (boogers, bogus, green bubbles, green juice, green gook, nose boogies, SNOT, for Pete's sake).

You may recall me telling you that Violet put her RIGHT hand in her pocket. She now pulled out a foldable knife, and began to unfold it. The police officer looked at the knife to stupid to know what it was.

The knife was something Violet had made herself and was proud of it. It was extremely sharp so it could cut someone with ease. As you have probably guessed she was going to threaten the cop with it, and if you didn't guess that then your just downright stupid.

"Get off our property you bitch. What the fuck are you doing here anyway" she said.

"I was investigating the fire," he mumbled, all trace of self pride vanished to the four winds. "I was sent by the police headquarters I swear."

Violet was having fun interrogating the police but you forgot Mr. Poe was there, so he , of course, had to ruin her fun.

Mr. Poe had snuck up behind Violet had now snatched the knife out of her hands.

"I refuse to let you play with dangerous weapons."

Now because this is the uncut story some things in this story will be different from the real one. For example because Klaus is a crazy bookworm he will always be talking in complicated sentences. Because Sunny is on crack _she_ will have enhanced speaking powers so will be able to speak regular. Sunny and Violet will be the ones who will explain what Klaus is saying from this point on. Also because Sunny is on crack her teeth are incredibly sharp.

"Listen buster," Sunny said in a high squeaking voice. "If you don't leave right now I will kill you with my teeth." But he was already gone.

Violet looked at Sunny proudly. "Great job you showed him your feminine bitch powers, you go girl!"

They looked around at the remains of the house. Klaus was upset that the books burned away. Violet was sad to see that the guillotine she had built had burned, and she also saw half of sofa with the acid stain on it that her mom like to sit in.

She remembered that day perfectly. She had been testing a newfound acid that she had made herself. She suction-cupped herself to the ceiling by putting used plungers on her hands and feet. Then she tried to pour her highly dangerous acid on her moms head while she was reading the novel _A Woman's Life_. Unfortunately at that very second Sunny started to cry for more crack so her mom got up to give her more. The invention ate up half the one-person sofa. When her mom came back she didn't even look to see if the one-person sofa was still there and sat right on the floor where she burned her ass on the remain acid. She then fell through the floor (the sofa was on the second floor) and landed on her husband who was cooking in the kitchen. Violet had earned herself a punishment of course and that was that she couldn't threaten anyone with her inventions for a month (as you can see the punishment wasn't very good so Violet keep doing it after the punishment was up).

Sunny looked at the remains of the house and saw the skull that her parents had given her to chew on was burnt to a crisp and even though it brought back painful memories she still looked at her grandpa's skull fondly.

Finally they left to go to Mr. Poe's shack. They arrived by taxi thirty minutes later in front of Mr. Poe's dilapidated (if you could even call it this) house. They went inside and got to meet Mr. Poe's children, I mean animals.

"Yo, yo, yo, what's up home dad. You took tha ugly shiz-net home?" His first son said greeting his dad and the Baudelaires.

"Hi Albert," Mr. Poe said monotone. "Do you know where bugger is?"

"Bugger?" Sunny asked.

"Because he is such a pain in the ass we call him 'bugger'." Mr. Poe explained.

"Oh"

Later after they had dinner and the Baudelaires had been given clothing that itches Mr. Poe announced that the Baudelaires would be going to live with Count Olaf.

"Good,' Violet said, 'these bitches of your (kids) are **_really_** pissing me and my siblings off."

The next morning Mr. Poe woke them up to get them ready to leave. As he shook the Baudelaires awake he asked each of the Baudelaires the same question.

"Have you seen Albert and Bugger"

Each of the them gave the same answer, no.

He shrugged. "Oh well I'll look for them later.

As Mr. Poe took them onto the front lawn to the car Violet, Klaus, and Sunny all looked at the mound of raw dirt and the three shovels that lay next to them and smiled, knowing that they would _never_ see Albert or 'Bugger' _ever, _again.

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Please read and review. Once again I must recommend The POA (Prisoner of Azkaban) by ronweaslykiller. 


	3. Mr Poe Goes Crazy

You can all thank Super E-Man for reviewing my story. I had completely forgotten about it when I got this e-mail saying he reviewed it and I decided to continue. Anyway…

The Bad Beginning **Uncut**ã

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After the short ride to their new guardian's house the three Baudelaire orphans stepped out of the car smiling (they also had green stuff around there mouths). Mr. Poe, however was not. As a matter of fact he was furious.

"All right," he said. "Who the fuck keep on farting in that car?"

The three orphans smiled evilly. "What ever in the world are you talking about?" They said (Actually just the 2 sisters, Klaus just spoke complicated gibberish).

"My car smells like cow shit!" Mr. Poe shrieked (similar to that of a little girl). " And the fuckin' windows are green!"

"Actually I think that smell is coming from that horseradish factory." Violet said, pointing a ways down the road at a red and blue factory with the words "horseradish" painted on it. She was also thinking of an invention way to blow up the earth.

"Well I'm defiantly not going to eat that shit. Wait a second… what about the green windows?"

Klaus removed his hands from behind his back which had been tucked away safely in-between his two butt cheeks. They were dripping a green liquidly substance.  
"I'm paginating for oviform my ovation with my paleontology" Klaus yelled, laughing like a lunatic (which quite frankly he was, I mean come _ON_ if you can't see _THAT_ then you need some serious help).

"What my fucked up bro means is that he is sorry for wiping his ass with his hands," Violet said while thinking of an invention that could remove Mr. Poe's large intestines through his mouth.

"And you all ate it!" Mr. Poe screamed referring to the green stuff around all three children's mouths.

"Yes." This was Sunny who had not had crack since her parents died (it burned with the rest of the house) and was slowly losing her ability to talk in long sentences.

"Alright I've had it!" Mr. Poe screamed (he never does talk does he?) "I'm taking you to your guardian now!"

Mr. Poe pulled the orphans along behind him and walked over to the house which he had parked in front of. It was sparklingly clean and the children could not see a speck of dirt on any inch of the white house.

A lady walked out of the front door of the house.

"That wigs' not fooling anyone!" Mr. Poe screamed (for the umpteenth time).

"Of course its not, I'm a judge." she said with a dreamy look in her eyes. "My name is Justice Strauss."

"Fuck you", Violet said. "Are you our god damn guardian?"

"No," She said, "but Count Olaf is." She took a deep sigh. Then under her breath she said "Oh dear me he is fine. I want to squeeze him and then I want him to-"

"God damn I'm dying over here could you hurry it up?" Mr. Poe yelled. "I need to get rid of these god damn kids!"

"Oh dear my I often have daydreams about Count Olaf." Then realizing what she had said immediately said "I'm just kidding, ha, just kidding." Then as an afterthought "But don't tell Count Olaf or god help me I will _skin_ you alive."

"Wait a second, you mean your not married to him?" Mr. Poe shrieked.

"Oh I wish….but no, I'm not." She was shaking like a leaf now.

"Then where in bloody hell does this bastard live!"

"Over there," the judge said pointing next door to a house that looked like it was going to collapse in upon itself. The house itself was filthy, it had grime everywhere you looked and there were eyes scribbled all over the side of he house.

"Oh lord, thank you, thank you so much!" Mr. Poe started jumping up and down like a crazy person. "Oh yeah, oh yeah!" Mr. Poe had squeezed his hands into fists and was moving them in front of him in a circular motion. "Oh boy are you fuckers going to suffer now!" He was pointing at the Baudelaire's.

"Come on lets go!" Mr. Poe yelled jumping up and down like a little kid. He grabbed the children and ran, dragging them along.

Mr. Poe reached the door and rang the doorbell shaped like an eye. Slowly the door opened and Count Olaf was revealed.

"Well, wel-" Count Olaf began saying but was cut off by a screaming (and laughing) Mr. Poe.

"Hahahahahahahahahaha, you unlucky bastard!" And then he ran screaming, " So long you fuckers I hope you fucking die in that house!"

He ran laughing hysterically to his car and left a stunned Count Olaf and three uninterested orphans in his wake.


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